While looking at your photos on the dating app I thought you were beautiful. You had the slim body that I always liked so much, you had those light eyes that I couldn't quite define the color and in one of the photos you were wearing a suit, you had that writer's type, I just melted for you. And in the last photo you were with a girl and a cat, everything there looked so harmonious, I thought that being around you would be nice.
I swiped right, we matched. You message me saying you liked my tattoos and I love that you liked them. "Or maybe she's saying it just to say, because you can't really see the tattoos in the pictures…", I thought. But the fact that you said it to me was good enough. After all, a few pictures, that's all we had at that moment.
You had that strong look in your eyes, I could tell from your photos that you were a deep person, but also kind of cold. I could see from your eyes that you were sad, but not like someone who has a sad day or two. You had a sadness that seemed to be part of you, that mixed with you in such a way that maybe there was no longer any independence there. And I thought that maybe we could understand each other, because I'm kind of a sad person too, but despite it all, I really wanted to be happy, I appreciate laughter as much as sadness.
But I was hurting for another girl, I still wasn't ready for something new, so I didn't reply to your message at that moment. But the truth is that I was tired of suffering for someone who would probably never come back, so, a week later, I decided to respond to your message. I was thankful that you liked my tattoos and for saying it to me, because most of the time we just keep things to ourselves and most of the time things just don't happen.
It was Friday night and I asked if you were from Galway, you said yes and then we laughed at the fact that you were just like the girl from Ed Sheeran's music. And you said in a sarcastic way that in fact you were the girl from the music. "You must be really good to be an inspiration to a famous singer like Ed Sheeran," I told you. And we laughed because actually none of us liked that song "Galway girl". I liked the way you were so playful and I enjoyed playing your games.
Oh, she has a punctual and wonderful humor, I thought, she makes silly but not stupid jokes that actually have a background of grace.
The fact that you laughed at our conversations and also made me laugh so many times, made me start to like you not just for the pictures I had seen. After many laughs talking to you on Tinder, I already wanted to meet you in person.
Would you like to meet up for a cup of coffee or something tomorrow? - I asked a little afraid of the answer - You can come to my house if you want…
I waited some hours for the answer and my mind had already assumed that you would say no. So I started to sink into profound dismay again whilst I had a cup of coffee. But then a notification popped up on my phone and it was you finally saying that you would like to come. My heart was full of joy.
That was the best news I had received in a long time. All that had happened for me in the previous months were heartbreaks, a sudden and troubled move of house, a scam that made me lose too much money and a change of jobs that wasn't easy. Not to mention adapting to the new country that I suddenly decided to move to. I really didn't expect you to say yes. At that moment, I was just used to the disgrace.
But on the next day you had a bad hangover and asked if we could postpone our date for a day later. To be honest, I didn't quite believe that you would actually come, not least because you said you would have to work late that night.
My expectations were a little low, I thought you would give up and make a last minute excuse not to come. On Sunday, however, you texted me asking if our date was still up and late at night you were on your way.
You said that you hoped not to get lost. "It's easy to find here", I texted back, and you replied, "go to the door, if you eventually see any lost girl with a map in hand, it's me". That made me imagine you in the funniest and cutest way in the world. You were just like that. You were very cute and funny.
When I finally went to the door to wait for you, I saw you coming and my first impressions were "oh, she is tall" and as you were getting closer "I like her style!". You were wearing a gray sweatshirt with geometric prints similar to the one I was wearing. When you finally arrived, we greeted each other in a weird way. I didn't really know what to do, so we just said "nice to meet you" and laughed at the fact that you didn't get lost. As we walked down the hall to get in the house you started to talk very fast and my poor English just didn't help me. I just despaired inside and asked in an awkward way "can you speak a little slower, please?". I believe that sounded rude, and you, a little embarrassed, laughed and apologized. You started to speak slowly, our conversation just started to flow.
Inside, we sat down side by side on the small sofa and I served some tea. We started to drink it while we talked about our families, about our jobs, about what we had studied in college and about our aspirations for the future. You had to repeat two or three times where you worked because my poor English didn't allow me to understand what a discount store was. And I believe you made some jokes while telling me things that I probably didn't laugh at because I couldn't understand English very well.
I was a little embarrassed to meet you in person so a lot of the time, as we were sitting very close to each other on the small sofa, I would stare at the floor and take a few sips of tea while you answered some questions I made. You did the same thing when it was my turn to talk about my life. We didn't look into each other's eyes that much. We were both shy. But meeting you there just confirmed that indeed you were very nice and funny. And when I finally got the courage to look at you, I could only think that I wanted to kiss you. I thought you were so beautiful and your eyes were wonderful.
When the subject that we were talking about was finally over I plucked up the courage to really look at you. With my heart beating at a crazy speed, I asked if I could kiss you. You said yes and gave me a little smile, a very cute shy one. My soul just went out to fly.
Our lips meet, the taste of your mouth and the scent of your skin, being so close to you, feeling the warmth of your body, I'm sinking into a deep lust. Our kiss fitting more and more, our tongues dancing together, in a slow, paced, ideal rhythm. The more I touch your tongue with mine, sometimes hard, sometimes soft, the more I want to stay there. And the more I want to stay there, the more I want to taste every part of you. So I stay there for a few minutes.
I raise my hand to your right breast and start to grab it in a slow movement. Right there it was the place where pleasure was hiding. "God, this girl is so good out of her clothes", I thought.
Slowly, I kiss you on the neck. Now that I finally got my hands inside of your sweater, I'm feeling your soft skin, sliding my hands on you, your body is thin and warm.
The kiss that started out slow, soon became more intense. Our breathing was stronger than ever and our hands started to roam over each other's bodies.
I lift your sweater and you help me to take it off and I finally see your bra. Instantly I lift it and start to lick your nipple. Oh my God, she is like those French desserts that make you salivate. I'm so immersed in you and you respond to it showing so much pleasure. I run my hands through you, climbing into your hair on the back of your neck, while we are sitting on the couch, we unbutton our pants, we try to put our hands inside of each other's pants, but we are sitting and it makes it hard to go through there.
So I get up.
Do you wanna go to the floor with me? - I ask and you instantly say yes.
I spread on the floor the blanket that covers the sofa and I close the living room door that leads to the small hallway of the house.
While we are still standing, you take off the rest of your clothes and I take off mine too. You lie on the floor and I go on top of you. We start kissing again slowly and in a few minutes the calm rhythm starts to intensify, our naked bodies feeling each other's heat, in the lower part of our bodies, our hips begin to move back and forth, our bodies was desperately trying to reach one another. You lift one of your legs a little, until your thigh is a little up, so I start to rub against it and you start to do the same with my leg. In this extremely pleasurable dance for several minutes, my blood circulating a hundred kilometres per hour, the movements intensifying more and more, the silence in the room interrupted by our groans, the sweat running down our bodies glued together, I just screamed from pleasure.
Oh my God, this is so good - I say it while I'm on top of you. And once I said it you got the confidence to keep going even harder…
The height of pleasure really hit and we finally stopped.
God, sorry if I screamed too loud - I say while throwing my body beside you on the floor.
You laughed in a very cute way and smiled at me saying "this is a good sign that you screamed. It means it was good".
And yes, that was so good.
Of all the wonderful places in this world, there is no other place I want to be right now. Even though I feel so tired, this tiredness brought me to life, I thought, while I was laying on top of you.
In a few minutes our breathing finally returned to normal. Lying close together, we talked more about life, about our passions: we both love cats. Your cat is grey, mine is ginger. We talked about funny things and unusual situations at work. Sometimes silence hits, we just look deeply into each other's eyes. Right there, silence was also a type of communication and to be honest that was my favourite part… to be there in silence just looking at you.
Knowing what you like, your favorite food, knowing a little bit about your childhood and that you were a lonely, quiet and shy little girl made me like you even more. I was like that too. Even nowadays, sometimes I still feel that I am that little girl.
At that moment, while we were laying down together, holding each other, I was so yours.
We laughed so much while we were talking about embarrassing situations. We hugged each other, we were connected. After a lot of conversation, we finally stood up and putted our clothes back on. We went back to sit on the small couch.
We start to kiss again. I hold you tight and you are doing the same thing. Right there it seemed that we were going to enter each other's body. All the distance needed to make two bodies two has disappeared. We are groping in every way and we are appealing to the skin. We don't want clothes to prevent us from passing our hands through the skin, so, "please, let me take off your clothes that you have just put on"...
Right after I took off your pants, I went straight with my mouth between your legs. Licking it with immense pleasure for the taste that came out of you. I run my tongue from top to bottom, with intense head movements, I want you to admire the scene.
While I'm intensifying the movements, after several repetitions, I looked up and you were watching me doing it. Your eyes admiring the scene, your interest in what was happening there just made me want to go even harder. I putted my tongue inside you, as much as I could. While using my fingers to massage your clit, you started making little moans of pleasure and running your hand through my hair, gently forcing my head forward. While I was kneeling on the floor and you were sitting on the couch, seeing your satisfaction made me want you even more.
I put two fingers into you while licking your clit and it made you moan harder, as you started to move your waist. Oh, seeing you having pleasure like that was my pleasure as much as yours. I swear, those moments were magic.
After several minutes enjoying that moment, we were finally tired. We lay on the floor, cuddling and resting again. It is quite late, but I don't want you to leave. So I ask if you want to spend the night and you agreed. I feel so good that you are staying. It feels so good to have you around my arms, although you had to sleep alone, because the couch was small and could only fit one person. Once I get in bed to sleep next to my sister in the other room, I can't stop smiling and thinking that this house urgently needed a double mattress in the living room, so I could sleep next to you if you decided to come back someday… I just hoped that you would like to come back.
The next day I woke up early to go to work, it was only Monday and a new week was just ahead, but I didn't even think about the exhaustion that a whole week of work would bring. I was too happy, too radiant about the night before to worry about my job. The only thing that came to my mind was the images of us together in my house, all the movements and the intensity of that moment. That morning, we said goodbye with a quick kiss before I left for work. After that day, you never really left my heart. I guess you never really left the house as well. And sometimes I still can see us together in the living room.
I got on the bus to the hospital to start one more day of work and even though I had slept only 4 hours and was very tired, my smile seemed to have taken over my whole face, as if my eyes were smiling, my cheeks, my nose, my forehead and my eyebrows. On the street, as I passed the landscapes, everything smiled at me, the birds, the plants on the sidewalk, the hurried pedestrians, the driver discouraged to start another week so early, the sleepy passengers on the bus, everyone smiled at me and I smiled back at them. Life, at that moment, was worth it. My soul was smiling.
I told a friend who used to work with me at my old job about my night and he was totally surprised by the news as he didn't even realize I was talking to someone new.
Yeah, things happened really fast between us, I said to him. I sent him pictures of you and he said that you were beautiful.
You and I kept communicating over the next few days. Sometimes you would send me messages with funny pictures of cats and we would laugh about it. I really wanted to see you again. So in a day or two, I asked if you'd like to come over again and you said yes. When you finally got here, we had tea just like the first time. We ate some barbecue, and we laughed about a case my sister had told us about a girl who would make noises similar to a monkey. And so we took the monkey imitation into our new and indefinite relationship. I thought that calling ourselves "monkey" in that affectionate way was really cute and funny. I thought our relationship was going somewhere. "I think she likes you…" my sister would tell me and I couldn't stop smiling because I liked you too.
Some intimate details started to emerge while we spent our time together. I learned that you were bothered by the fact that your arms weren't straight as you assumed they should be and when we were lying down without clothes and I was running my fingers over your body as if I was painting it right in front of your eyes, you said that you thought your breasts were too small and I just couldn't stop thinking that you were totally beautiful just the way you are and that your whole body, just the way it is, is so perfect.
I finally bought a double air mattress to put in the living room, so this time we slept together. As we lay down together, I hugged you by your back and it was amazing to smell the perfume of your hair as I was falling asleep.
During our time together, we learned that we both like Amèlie Poulan. We both like French music, but we want to learn different languages. You already know how to speak French and you speak a few phrases to me - when you did that, how much more could I fall for you? -
I like Italian better and I tried to invent a way to say something in Italian just to impress you, I believe it didn't work. But when you said you were going to move to France in June, my heart sank a little, because I knew I would miss you. It may seem crazy that in such a short time I already liked you so much, but the truth is that, yes, I already liked you a lot. I just love to spend time with you and talk to you. I felt so light around you. There was something that I couldn't quite describe there… I just felt so good with you. I felt happy. I don't think it's easy to feel like that around people… our connection in bed was also a plus. Our moments together were amazing and I was afraid of the day that you would be gone. I've always been afraid that people I care about the most would go away. And in most of the cases, they really did. I know that I push them away, I know I will keep doing it, but I never really wanted them to go. To do things and to want things are two completely different things: not everything I do, I want. Not everything I want, I do.
I wasn't afraid that you were going to leave for France. I was afraid that you would walk out of my life completely, that you would disappear for good. I didn't want to lose the simple things we had, the amazing and easy connection we had.
But somehow I was always pulling people away, just so I would have to go after them, trying to get them back. What kind of game is that? I always wondered. Do I hate myself? I guess I do.
But then I came back to the present moment and enjoyed your presence beside me. We were imitating the sounds of monkeys and other animals that popped into our minds. You imitated all the animals so well, I felt ashamed that I was making such terrible sounds while you were making a perfect imitation of a pigeon or any other animal.
The next day I woke up early to go to work and you stayed at my house sleeping on the air mattress. Once again I felt that life was making sense and was worth it.
On that day, while enjoying my lunch break in the hospital grounds, I received a message from that friend who used to work with me. He asked how I was and said that he missed me, that he would like to catch up. I told him I was a little busy during the week, but he could come over my house on the weekend for coffee or something. But before he come, you returned to my living room, together, again on the air mattress, we had the best sex, but the mattress just started to deflate while we were finally sleeping and we ended up practically waking up on the floor. A few days later, I tried to fix it with glue and sticks on the holes that appeared, but when you returned to sleep over again, the mattress had improved just a little and still emptied a lot. So I decided to throw it away, even though I had paid a substantial price on it, and bought a non-air mattress that was comfortable and foldable to fit in the living room. In two days the new double mattress was delivered to my house and I sent an excited message telling you that now we were finally going to sleep well. And you probably laughed while you texted saying that you hoped we wouldn't break the mattress this time. I laughed at the message and thought that I actually wouldn't mind if we did.
That week, I finally got to meet my friend from my old job. We went to a cafe and I told him how glad I was to get to know you. I said that we agreed on a lot of things, that we understood all the jokes we make, except that I loved to play sports and you actually hated playing it. But we did watch some extreme sports from the Winter Olympics together.
When I arrived at the cafe to find my friend, he was already seated waiting for me. He looked serious despite being very excited when he saw me coming. We hugged and sat down to decide what we were going to drink. As we waited for our order to come to the table, he listened to me talk and despite all the smiles he was giving me, he looked a little uncomfortable as I kept speaking. So I was finally bothered by the way he was looking at me and I asked if he was okay. He raised his eyebrows, looked to the side and frowned worriedly and took a deep breath. I was worried at that point and asked
What? What is it? What's wrong? -
He looked at me for few seconds without saying anything - come on, what is it? - I insisted.
Look, I don't want to be a killjoy or spoil the joy you're feeling. But I see you think you're dating this new girl and I don't know if that's the case.
What? I don't understand what you are saying - I said to him - What do you mean? - So he starts to talk again.
Look… is this the girl you are seeing? - he showed me a picture of you - yeah, okay, she is having sex with someone else - my friend told me and I just couldn't understand what it was all about.
Wait. What? What are you saying? - I started to laugh, because at that point I thought it was a joke but my friend just didn't laugh along and he kept saying.
I know someone who knows this girl and she is hooking up with another girl, I know it because I saw some tweets about it.
What do you mean you saw some tweets about it? - I interrupted him.
Well, they posted something on the internet. Like, they literally say everything there.
As I was listening to what my friend was saying, I felt like my brain had crashed and my heart sped up in a way that I felt like I was going to throw up. He looked at me with that pitying look and I hated that. But I know he was telling the truth. I know he was sad for telling me all that and then he said "calm down, it might not be a big deal, it might be a joke from them…" and the silence came until he said "I'm so sorry, but I just think it's not a joke. And I really don't want you to suffer for someone that is not interested in you the way you think she is".
Look… do you wanna see the posts I am talking about?
With my heart broken into a thousand pieces, wanting to cry, I started to read the messages and when I finished, I didn't know what to think anymore. I just wanted to run out and get under my covers to cry. But right there, in that coffee shop, there was no reaction that could express what I was feeling and so I just sat there, staring at a fixed point on the table, unable to control my hideous thoughts. I felt like sinking under that massive cement floor. I started to feel so angry. I wanted to call you and tell you to go fuck yourself. I wanted to say that you would never see me again and that I wished you to enjoy the moments with your girlfriend that I didn't know existed.
The only thing that I couldn't get out of my head was the images of you and her together, having sex and intimate moments of laughter and satisfaction, like the ones we used to have. And then there was no more room in my head for the two of us. There was only room for you and the other girl. Our little romance, us together as it was, ended there, on that coffee table, with the half coffee cold, with the tears that fell on that corner table.
"The romance that she is having isn't with me. I can't believe how stupid I am", I kept thinking.
I didn't call or text you, even though I wanted to scream, I couldn't say anything. The silence took over me and it became just pain.
After some hours crying in my house, I wanted to see you, I wanted to ask what was really going on. Why were you with me and someone else and didn't have the courage to say? But I also felt guilty to ask those things because even though we were seeing each other, we hadn't agreed to have anything exclusive. But knowing it all didn't make the pain go away, it didn't make my trust in you come back. I tried so many times to make it be okay, but I never could. The anger always came afterwards and then I thought I could do this too, I could be with another girl and do whatever I wanted just like you were doing.
And so I decided to text a girl I had known a few weeks before and I asked her if she would like to meet up. She came to my house on that day. That night I was physically with her but you were the one in my head. So in the end it didn't really mean anything. And I really wished it had meant something. I wished I didn't care about you anymore.
I don't know why I let it get to me like this. I don't know why I didn't have the courage to say anything. I don't know why I let it all go so far. If, for me, our affair had ended in that coffeeshop, why did I keep moving forward?
What kinds of fantasies does our mind invent for ourselves just to terrify us bit by bit at the end? What kind of lies do we tell ourselves just so we don't have to face reality? Our minds play games all the time, this time I was truly a loser. But more than anything, when will I understand the things I say? When will I understand that there really is a big difference between what we want and what we can do?
The next day you and I had scheduled a date in my house, but I was confused about everything so I texted you in the afternoon saying that I had to change my plans and unfortunately we couldn't see each other that day. At that point, I didn't know what to do. You found that very weird and asked if everything was okay and I said yeah. But it wasn't okay. I felt dumb and betrayed, but at the same time I knew we didn't agree to have anything exclusive. And I was liking you too much to never want to see you again. I just wanted to see you again and to have everything we always had. The hugs, the laughing, the silly stuff we used to do, the stupid voices we always made to entertain ourselves, the deep conversations, the very intense sex. I just wanted us back. I just wish my friend had never told me anything. I just wanted us to be the way we were before I knew you were with someone else.
But suddenly I started to be angry at myself for not being able to make the right decision. I wanted to meet you to hear everything from you. I just wanted to hear from you and I wish once everything was clear I would finally say that we were done.
So I texted you a few hours later saying that I actually would be free that day, if you still wanted to come over.
The mood was a little tense in the living room that night. We knew something was going on and I suspected that you knew that I had found out you were seeing someone else. We were both confused, but neither of us had the courage to say anything about it. I suppose we both were afraid to be apart. I didn't have the courage to say anything because I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid you would choose the other girl over me. I was so insecure, I was so afraid, I was so lost.
So I just acted normal.
We ordered Mexican food, I played some guitar for you and we had a great sex like always. Instead of telling you that we were over, I told you that I would like to meet you in places other than my living room. That I wanted to go with you for a coffee or to the cinema or something like that. I just wanted to do more things with you, like watch soccer games, go for walks. I wanted to travel around with you. I wanted to tell you more about my life, more about who I was when I was a kid and a teenager. And I wanted to know more about you too.
I don't know what my head told me at that moment. But there is something absurdly hopeful inside me. That hope never left me even at the worst of times. Maybe it was a defense of my head. I just believed that we would work out.
It's been a few weeks and you were working on a Saturday when it finally didn't rain. You told me you couldn't see me that night as you would be staying home to finish an essay you had to turn in at college the following week. So I decided to go out for a beer with my sister and I texted you where I was going, in case you decided to come later. You said you would love to but unfortunately you couldn't that time, but we would see each other next week. But after a few hours I was sitting in the pub, you showed up by surprise and that was wonderful. I was so happy to see you. I started to get a little drunk but nothing that I would regret the next day. When we got back to my place to be together in privacy, we started kissing and touching each other. I put my hand in your pants and you said you couldn't do that because you had your period. I found that very strange because you had canceled a trip to my house at the last minute, more than a week before, saying that you had cramps because you just had your period. That was more than 10 days and then you said you still have it. A little drunk, I got up off you and said "wait. How many days does your period last? Like, you're still on your period, after 10 days when you said your period arrived? Are you lying to me or what?". And then you started crying at that very moment and I felt like crying too. And I asked what was going on. You didn't say anything. You just cried.
I couldn't contain it anymore, I finally said "I know you're dating another girl. A friend of mine saw your Twitter and showed me everything". You started to cry even more and I was devastated too. "I just want to know the truth, Mairéad. Why are you hiding things from me?" And then you finally spoke while crying and sobbing "I thought you would never want to be with someone like me. That's why I started dating another girl". And I found it all so confusing, so contradictory and sad. I wanted to hug you so badly and kiss you, but I needed some consistency for everything to become clear. "Look, Maréid, I know that we never had a conversation about dating exclusively, I know that nothing was agreed regarding our relationship. I know you can be with whoever you want and I can be with whoever I want. I even did meet someone a few days ago, but I don't want to be with anyone but you, because I started having feelings for you and I can't go back now. I already like you more than I would like to and I want to be with you" and while I was saying it you were still crying, but this time you were smiling while shaking your head in agreement that you also wanted to be with me and that we could date, because you wanted that too.
I was so glad that we were agreeing to stay together.
Despite all the heavy emotion of that moment, when we finally managed to compose ourselves, we started kissing and touching again, you came down on me with your mouth and I just adored you even more. My blood started to rise throughout my body, causing me to shiver with pleasure, but that night, maybe because we had such a heavy conversation, I couldn't come. You tried everything you could, but it just didn't happen. From time to time the image of you and the other girl together popped into my head and I couldn't relax and enjoy the moment. So I asked you to stop and said I wasn't in the mood that time. I'm sure that the fact that I was a little drunk helped. But once more, that romance was not about me and you, it was about you and the other girl. But still, I hugged you and we slept together.
The next morning, around 6 am, I woke up and had a sudden urge to have you. I was so happy because we finally were officially dating. So I gave you a little kiss on the cheek and you smiled and opened your eyes. I kept giving you little kisses around your face and when you finally woke up, we started kissing. I really wanted to have you. We started to kiss more intensely and I just went right over your face and sat down there. You started licking me and put your fingers inside me. It felt so good that I screamed from pleasure.
That Sunday you had to leave my house early to get to work and I had a bad hangover, so you left and I lay there, still in the dark. I loved the idea of being your girlfriend. As we exchanged messages we already wanted to see each other again. That morning I realised that the fact that you hooked up with another girl didn't bother me that much anymore, because we were dating for real, that brought me some comfort and my insecurity diminished a little. You sent me some nude pictures and I also sent some to you. I guess we wished each other more than ever. I could feel that we were both completely into each other.
We arranged to meet again on Tuesday, but during the week, on Monday, I started to have some thoughts about you and the other girl, and that was creating a huge insecurity in me. I could no longer tell if dating you had been the best option because maybe you liked that girl and maybe you only accepted dating me because you were embarrassed to reject my request. So many things started going through my head after we started dating exclusively. At that point I hadn't told anyone yet about our official relationship. But, in a way, my mind kept saying that dating you wouldn't work, because I had interrupted your relationship with the other girl and a dating status wouldn't stop anyone from living a story that was meant to be lived. I didn't believe you liked me and wanted to be with me. My mind just didn't let me believe that I was the one for you. Nothing could get out of my head that I was being the villain of your romance with someone else. I couldn't see you and me as the main couple in the story I had created in my fantasy. The main novel was about you and the other girl. I was just someone who came from another country, a little lost in the world, thrown in ireland, trying to adapt to a culture that was not mine, far from knowing how to speak the English I would like and without much vocabulary or information to be able to dispute you and your heart with another girl who was from your own country and was totally immersed in your history and culture.
I couldn't stop thinking that you and her liked each other and I was good for nothing but getting in your way. Then, the day after we agreed to meet, you said that unfortunately you would have to cancel it because you were feeling anxious. And that made me anxious too and made me wonder if you were really anxious or was it all just an excuse not to see me, but go see the other girl you used to be with.
When you said "I don't think I can go see you today, I have an anxiety crisis and I need to stay at home, I think it will be better this way". I was worried about you but at the same time I didn't know if I could trust your words, because you had lied to me before. So I decided to ask my friend to send me your twitter and I decided to log in there to see what you were saying about your life and I discovered that at almost the exact same time you said you couldn't see me, you had texted the other girl and that was it for me. My blood rose and the message you sent me about your anxiety became something like: "I don't want to go see you today. I don't really like you and you're not what I'm looking for, I was just wrong when I agreed to date you. I like someone else and you can't get in the way of my relationship with her. I'm going to see her tonight instead of you. Please, just disappear from my life". - funny how at the end of real life, it was it, indeed.
And so I just wanted to cry and hide from the world while I was sitting on that bus, heading back to my house after an exhausting day at work. But I didn't cry. I held back tears and asked. "Is your anxiety really the reason you don't want to see me?" And you answered yes. You asked "do you trust me?" and at that moment I didn't know what to answer. I didn't know if I trusted you, because more than anything, I didn't trust you liked me. And I didn't trust that I was enough. I didn't trust you to want just me, because I didn't think I was good enough for you. So, after a few minutes of looking at the cell phone screen, the only answer I could get at that moment was "I don't know. I'm sorry". And then you replied that you didn't know how our relationship was going to work if I didn't trust you. And I could only say that I didn't know how this was going to work either.
I started to think that you weren't going to meet me that night because you were going to meet up with the other girl you were with and nothing could get me out of my head that it was her that you liked. So I said "I don't think you're ready to have a relationship with me, I don't think you would be faithful to me". So you replied saying that what I said hurt a lot, but that it made sense, you couldn't be only with me, even though you had feelings for me. That answer just blew me away. All I wanted was for you not to agree with anything I said. I wanted you to be ready for me. I wish you were willing to face all the difficulties to relate to me. I wanted you no matter what, even though I knew you would probably hurt me. But you didn't want me and it devastated me inside. You said that you expected me to find someone who would give me what I was looking for and that was so painful. The last thing I wanted to hear from you was that you expected someone to give me what you couldn't give me. Who would give me that if the only person I wanted to be with was you? Who could make me happier if it was you the one that I liked?
So you said you didn't want to make me suffer and I just got angry at you. The only way out I found at that moment was to tell you to stop feeling sorry for me, that I was old enough to deal with situations like this and that I wouldn't die for it. So I asked you to stop talking to me because we didn't have anything else to talk about from that moment on and you just replied "okay". That "okay" was the shortest, coldest answer I'd ever received in my entire life, but I knew deep down that this wasn't the answer you wanted to give, perhaps, the way I felt about you, you also felt that you weren't enough for me. When I finally got the bus to its final destination and I walked out towards my house, the only thing I thought I would do was go out for a drink to forget that I had this conversation with you. I wanted to forget that we had broken up and that life had suddenly become so painful and strange.
That night I drank until I forgot everything. I was totally out of touch with reality. I started by drinking pints of beer and between one round and another I had a shot of tequila. Everything was totally crooked, weird, out of place. Every time I drank, I got more and more frustrated because I thought of you and the other girl together. So I drank and drank until I couldn't do it anymore. Until I fell on the couch, passed out for not having more conscience and willingness to deal with anything else.
The next day I couldn't go to work because I didn't have the mental or physical health to get out of my bed. I was so sad and the hangover from drinking and smoking myself almost to death the night before was punching me like it really wanted to kill me. I felt that my health, which I had struggled to recover in the previous 3 months in which I had stopped drinking and smoking, had left my body again, never to return. Living like this, spoiling my body for not being able to control the urge to drink and smoke in excess, was in itself the downfall of life for me. I felt completely depressed and didn't have the energy to get out of bed and thinking that you and I were no longer together and that I had destroyed everything between us put me in an even deeper and darker hole where I was afraid and didn't want to stay. But there was no way out. I just wish I could go back in time and do everything different. I just wish I could go back in time and say that I understood that you were having an anxiety crisis and that I was sorry for that and if there was anything I could do to help you, I would be there, patient, ready to wait for you to get better. I wish I could help you, I wish I could be a support and never someone who would judge you and harm you in this difficult time. Nothing I did made me feel good. Nothing I said made me happy, on the contrary, I really wanted to be able to look for you and say that I was very sorry, I wanted to say that I also felt anxiety and lack of self-esteem and that's why I doubted your honesty so much. I wanted to say that I was in love with you and that not being with you hurt me so much inside. I wanted to say that along with the new house I got to live with just my sister, you were the best thing that had happened to me this year. I wanted to say that I felt fear and a lot of loneliness, but that all that I felt was because I did it myself. I didn't know how to act in situations with people who are different from me. I didn't know how to deal with relationships or trust other people because I spent my whole life having a hard time believing in myself. I didn't trust myself, having lived most of my life being a drunk who didn't know how to be anyone or communicate when I was sober because I distrusted myself and others. I didn't trust myself because when I was younger, in the eyes of my parents and my school teachers, I was a freak for being different and for liking girls. I didn't approve of myself and I didn't expect you to approve of me either and with that I didn't know how to approve of you being the way you are either. I think in my natural state, when I don't feel fear, anxiety and insecurity, I could be with you even if you were making out with ten other girls. But that's not my reality and that's why I couldn't control my anger in the face of this whole situation because, deep down, all the anger I felt at you was actually an anger at myself, unconsciously, for not being able to truly be myself and for not trusting my own ability to be me, because when I tried to be me, nobody really loved and accepted me. And then I hurt you with my words and my lack of sensitivity in realizing that you were in a fragile moment. I pushed you away from me at a time when you probably just needed support and silence.
When you said you had an anxiety attack, maybe you were saying that you needed to be alone for a few days and I didn't take that as a good sign, because everything in my head is an eternal red light, a warning of danger, a repetitive alert that a new person is about to leave me. I have this open wound in me that never seems to heal. In my mind, a simple "see you later" can mean the end of everything, so, suddenly, something that was good, in a snap of the fingers, was just over. In my life, relationships with people just end, because I don't know how to keep people around, because I naively believe I don't need anyone, when deep down, I desperately need others so I can love myself. So often I seek approval from others and only love myself when someone from the outside gives me the go-ahead. Otherwise, if someone demonstrates that they don't like me or that they merely don't care for me, "boom," my gaze on me becomes one of disgust, disapproval, insensitivity and anger. I also start to dislike myself. My whole life was like that and still is. And in this snowball of reproach and anguish, if I feel like I don't matter to other people, then what can they matter to me too? I start to see them as enemies, I start to be my enemy myself, because I don't like myself, and I start to live in an eternal war of me against everyone and against myself. However, contradictorily, if the way others see me influences so much in the way I see myself, then I place myself as a puppet that has no value in front of life, in front of others and, on the other hand, the importance that others have in front of me is huge, giant to the point of dictating and controlling who I am, how I see myself and what my value is according to their misguided opinions. Living in this way is the same as not living, it is the same as amputating the soul and staying in this world only in body form.
I lay in bed, my head exploding with hangovers and guilt and remorse for having ended our relationship the day before. Even though I didn't have the energy to get up and have even a glass of water, I decided to get in the shower to clean the smell of alcohol and cigarettes that exuded from my skin. Anyone who arrived there could tell that the previous night had been extremely intense and extreme exaggeration. When I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror I realized how swollen I was from drinking too much and my skin was dry, dehydrated, my eyes were swollen from having slept so little and from the excesses of the night before. When I got out of the shower, I got under the covers and lay down again. I didn't feel like doing anything but hiding under the covers and crying. So I decided to text you, because I wanted to see you and talk to you. But then the thought that you were probably with the girl you used to be with didn't get out of my head. Then I started feeling angry and jealous again. But I couldn't resist and decided to look for you. "Some of your things were left here at home, do you want to come get them?", I wrote in the message for you. Minutes later you replied. "Yes. I can stop by to pick it up today after college. If you don't want to see me, I understand, you can leave it somewhere outside the house." And I said I'd like to see you.
Hours later you texted saying you were outside. I opened the door with my heart racing, not knowing how to react, just like when you first arrived. That day, I was ashamed that you looked at me because you could clearly see in my face the signs that I had drank too much the night before. My eyes were red and swollen, my skin was totally dehydrated, my face was huge from having had too much to drink in less than 24 hours and my voice was totally hoarse from having smoked too much. You walked in after we'd only greeted each other from a distance and coldly at the door outside the hall. You sat on the little sofa where we used to sit cuddled and sing songs or just talk about life. I sat opposite you, on the sofa bed where we slept together so many times and had so many intense moments of pleasure and laughter. Face to face, we looked at each other in silence. I asked how you were and you said, with a delicate, half-energy shrug of your shoulders and a low, sad voice, that you were fine. But I could clearly see that you weren't well. I believe you also saw that I was not well. I wouldn't have to say anything, anyone would've noticed that by looking at my face. I was completely broken inside and the outside showed it. And so I couldn't help myself, I quickly went to the couch where you were and sat next to you holding your hands, saying "well, I'm totally down, totally broken and sad. I'm sorry for everything I've done, for everything I told you yesterday. I don't want to break up with you. I want to be with you, I want to date you and be like we used to be."
You looked at me confused and said "I don't understand, you broke up with me, told me you didn't want to talk anymore, said we had nothing more to talk about and now you say you want to come back?"
"I know I acted on impulse," I said, "but I thought you were lying to me when you said you were having an anxiety attack. I thought you were just trying to find an excuse not to see me and to get away from me…"
You looked at the floor the whole time, I tried to hold your hand, but you were immobile, you didn't show any sign of reciprocity to my attempts of affection. Then you said that you understood my side, that I had the right to doubt you, since you had lied to me before. And I said no, that you weren't wrong, that it was me who should have supported you when you told me you had an anxiety attack and not on the contrary. I doubted you, ended our relationship and made you feel even more anxious. And then you started to cry and so did I. I didn't ever want to be having that heavy conversation with you. Our relationship, until a few hours before, was light and pleasant, so different from the moment we were living. So I apologized to you again, said I wanted to see you happy, said I wanted to help you be happy, said that I would support you and that I would do anything to make you feel good about me. As I spoke, you stared at the floor, motionless, with tears in your eyes, your hands clasped, just holding each other uncomfortably. You remained completely still and in a long, deep silence. When you finally spoke, your voice was one of deep pain that made me feel more pain than I ever felt from making you suffer. "I don't understand, I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I was so scared of you for the way you treated me yesterday. And you were so mad at me the day you found out I was dating someone else. When you were doing the same..."
I've only stayed with that girl twice - I replied quickly.
And I also only hooked up with that girl twice - you replied.
You had a sad face, completely confused and expressionless, with tears in your eyes, but when you heard what I had just said, you just smiled. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do… I'm in love with you", I said. And then I felt a huge weight lifted off my head. That simple, quick smile had given me hope that you might take me back. So I tried to kiss you, I put my mouth on yours, we started moving our lips, but quickly you stopped, turned your face in disapproval and didn't want to continue anymore. You were still, rigid and expressionless, sitting on the couch next to me. I tried to understand what you were going through at that moment and tried to be in silence, but I couldn't. I needed to show you my feelings, I wanted to tell you I wanted you. So I said, "Please Mairéad, let's get together again, I really want you in my life, I want us together like we were..."
Then you said, "I don't know, Lívia, I'm very confused, I can't think at this moment, I can't decide anything. I need time… I think we will be better if we take a break from our relationship…".
That sentence was like a punch right in the middle of my nose. At that point my hopes had almost entirely dissipated because I knew, somehow, that this situation wasn't going to get better, because I probably couldn't wait very long for you to make a decision, because I was always putting my foot in my hand the fact that I was anxious and wanted everything for now.
In that moment I couldn't realize how selfish I was being to care about what I wanted but never what you wanted or needed. You needed me to understand you and really be willing to wait for you. You would come back to me because you liked me, you just needed time to put everything in its rightful place. You needed time to calm your heart. In that troubled moment, I said I would wait for you. I asked, anxious and worried, how long it would take and you said you didn't know, that I would have to wait. I knew right then that I couldn't wait, even though I said I would. There is a big difference between wanting and being able to.
You looked at the clock and got surprised by the time. You got up abruptly and hurried out, opened the door and left it open behind you. I don't know if out of nervousness, I don't know if it was because you had forgotten to knock amid so many doubts and questions, I don't know if it was on purpose . So I got up from the couch where you had left me alone and without reaction, I went towards the door and closed it. My thoughts wanted to destroy me. That moment had been the complete opposite of what I had imagined. I thought you would come back to me the very moment I proposed this to you. I thought you would accept my apologies… I thought that the fact that we liked each other would make you kiss me and fuck me until we were tired, as we always did, and then we would lie down and laugh about it all just to have sex again few minutes later. But none of that happened. The reality was hard to swallow. The reality was the front door of my house that you left half open and I stared at it without being able to understand why you left that door half open. The reality was the vomit stuck in my throat. It was the hangover that hit me inside and corroded my lungs and liver. The reality was me alone again, not knowing what to do, waiting for the moment when you would decide to tell me that you really wanted to be away from me.
Every day that passed I looked at my cell phone waiting for a message from you saying that you missed me, that you couldn't stand the distance anymore and that you just wanted to jump into my arms and stay with me, as it was before. But that message didn't come, that message never came.
So I arranged to meet with my friend to vent and to try to laugh a little at the silly things in life, because I couldn't stand to wait any longer for an answer from you. Thinking of us apart made me suffer so much. So I met my friend on the beach and although the landscape was beautiful, I couldn't admire anything or find beauty in the birds that I always liked so much. Along with my sadness, there was a mixture of physical and mental fatigue from practically spending entire nights without sleep and not being able to eat properly. When my friend saw me he blurted out:
Wow, friend, did a truck run over you? You seem to be wrecked - he said.
Well, I am. Completely destroyed - I said with an air of dismay.
He felt sorry for me and gave me a big, long hug that made me start crying. Hugs always made me melt all the ice I insisted on producing, trying to fool anyone, not even myself. I've always been a potential dramatic romantic.
How are you? - he asked when we finally sat down on the beach rocks.
I don't know… I've been better - I replied with a look of dismay and embarrassment for not being able to smile and lie that I was fine.
What happened? - he asked and I told him all about the conversation you and I had three days ago.
I'm sorry. I really am. But do you really think it's all worth it? - he asked in a way that clearly showed his distrust.
I don't know… I thought so, but I'm not sure. She's not feeling well, she's anxious so I just have to wait... - I said looking at the sea, but in fact my eyes were not focused on absolutely anything. My gaze didn't have a fixed point, though I stayed still with my eyes.
So I turned my unfocused gaze from the immensity of the sea and this time I started looking into my friend's eyes very carefully. I believe that at that moment he noticed the concern and nervousness in my expression and said:
I just don't want to see you running after someone who I suppose doesn't really want to be with you... - He said while holding one of my hands affectionately and running his fingers over the side of my forehead, removing the hair that fell over my eyes, since I was practically inert…
What you mean to say? - I asked, already trembling, because I foresaw that the news would not be good.
Well… here… - he said, handing his cell phone to me, connected to a white screen with some writings.
I took his cell phone, a Twitter tab was open, on your profile. I started reading the messages you had exchanged a few hours ago and my eyes widened, unable to quite believe what I was reading. I couldn't believe the weight all those words held. I felt like throwing up. I felt like screaming until I lost my voice. Worse than the explicit sex messages between you and that other girl was the fact that you were completely enjoying the whole atmosphere and of course it was all just happening because you really liked what was happening there. You weren't spending the time you asked me to recover from any anxiety. You were wasting my time, you were using the time that you asked for having sex with another girl and you didn't even feel guilty about it. You didn't even care to know how I was feeling. Once again I felt like I'd been punched in the nose, only the blood was internal. I couldn't reason about life. I lost any and all peace that had once existed for me.
At that moment I wanted to go after you and scream in your face. Days before you said you were scared of me and to be honest I was scared of you too. I was always scared of what you could do to me. I just wanted to say that I hated you, that I wished you suffered twice as much as you were making me suffer. I wanted you to pay for all the evil that was growing inside me. I've never been so mean to myself and I've never wished as badly on anyone as I wished on you. I wanted to cause you all the bad feelings you were causing me, but I didn't know how, because you looked so happy with someone else that I didn't feel like there was even any power of mine over you, because you just didn't care about me… Not knowing what to do, when I finally calmed down a bit with my friend's help, I walked home feeling like my world had come crashing down and I wasn't even warned or prepared for it. I understood that everything I had believed before had been a big lie. Everything I thought you felt for me was just a big illusion in my head. You didn't like me, you never had and staying with that other girl while you said you needed time to recover and think about us was just proof of that. More than that, staying with another girl while knowing I was suffering and making a point of publishing it on the internet, was at the very least, enormous evil and a lack of empathy. Then I began to realize that maybe you were doing all that on purpose, so that I would, in fact, see it all. I think you set a very well-set trap and I fell for it.
I came to understand that you wanted me to see you with someone else. I came to understand that you were mean of your own volition, that you wanted to attack me like that for pure pleasure, and that, in the end, you really wanted to play with me and stepping on me was your hobby. Seeing me suffering was your joy.
You made me afraid of myself for all the bad feelings you made me feel. You said on the internet days later, whilst you were exchanging public messages with the other girl, that a freak. In fact, you've managed to turn me into a freak and I hate to have met myself that way.
Never before have I been seen in such a monstrous way by anyone. Worst of all, you were the person who made me see myself that way: as a monster. I hated you and I hated myself for a long time after knowing you. I guess you came to my life to teach me, even if I realized a bit late, how to love myself when life goes out of control.
I started to feel disgust for you. I started to hate you. And I started to hate myself too for getting involved with someone like you, who just wanted to use me. I wish I could make you suffer the way you were making me suffer, but there was no way. So the only thing I could do at that moment was to immediately block you from my social media when I got home. I felt so much anger and hatred towards you that really, at that moment, I didn't ever want to see you again. I spent that day trying to think the least about you, but nothing could get the image of you with that other girl out of my head. I lived a nightmare with my eyes open. Nothing made me smile, everything was too heavy to bear. The songs that I liked before, I couldn't listen to because in one sentence or another they reminded me of you.
So once more, to try to relieve the pain, I started to drink again and drank a lot. I drank until I couldn't anymore. I wanted to leave here. I wanted to leave this world. I wanted to go somewhere where I would be loved. That place was not any closer to me… you gave me hate and I gave it back to you, drunk, sending the worst message I've ever written to someone. I wanted to destroy you with my words. I wanted to make you feel just a little of everything you made me feel. In the end it didn't work out, because as I caused you harm, I never was at peace with myself. The fact that I hurt you just hurt me too. I was never able to set my head on the pillow without thinking that I caused you pain and I'm sorry for that. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I could be the one who loved you even when everything was a mess. But the truth is that we were all a huge mess.
I feel sorry that in the end I always blamed others for not giving me love, but I also didn't give it to them when they needed me. I didn't give it to you and I didn't give it to me either. You didn't give it to me, maybe you never gave it to you as well. I'm sorry I never accepted your "no". I was trying to hurt you with that. I was crossing the line on purpose, I just wanted to show you that I didn't have any respect for you at that time, I was trying to make you feel angry the same way you made me feel angry and lost. But the truth is that at the end I didn't gain anything, I just felt sad, lonely and empty. I just wanted to write to you to say that our time together was so good at the beginning and that I miss that. It was real and short. It was intense and passionate. I readed something the other day that said that anger has a lot to do with love. And it's crazy how two people that love each other can be the ones that destroy each other. It's crazy how different it is to want something and to do something. I wanted you, never really had you. But I still have you in my heart, maybe I always will. Our time together was so hard, but it gave me this history that shows how passion is. How tragic it can be, that's the truth. To write this end here I didn't know where to start. I guess we liked each other a lot, I guess we were both afraid, we were connected, we were trying, we were two insecure people, we were lost, we were reaching one another with betrayal and pain. We were trying to hurt each other. We were being crazy and we were happy for a while. I was really happy for a bit. But more than anything, we had passion. But this is not enough. Life will not be as we intend, life will be what we make of it.
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